


Breaking your own heart (The sun will rise)

by orphan_account



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-09
Updated: 2013-05-09
Packaged: 2017-12-10 16:26:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/788083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><img/><br/>The closer he grew to him, the more he fell for him, even knowing that his heart already belonged to someone else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breaking your own heart (The sun will rise)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! Back after a long break of vacation traveling around Japan, and that with a rare pairing – I apologize to everyone who’s wondering ^^’ But this pairing has been tempting me for some time, ever since I saw Kame’s “Hanamaru Cafe” appearance from the Yamanade times. And with Jin’s recent behavior… This came out of it. Sorry if I made him seem like the bad guy… But… It’s Jin ;) Hope you will give it a chance.  
> Insert Song: Kelly Clarkson - Breaking your own heart, Kelly Clarkson - The sun will rise

Uchi’s POV

I joined Johnny’s Entertainment in 1999, and with that, I met Kamenashi Kazuya. I got along with him well from the moment I met him – he had been this slightly weird-looking shy teenager back then, but there had been something in his laughter and his character that had drawn me right towards him. We just clicked.

But Kazuya had joined the agency a year before me, and the position as his best friend had already been given to someone else – Akanishi Jin. I knew that everyone loved Akanishi, praising him as one of the greatest talents the agency had had for years, but for some reason, I could not deal with him. His self-centrism and egoism had repelled me right from the beginning.

The problem was that Kazuya back then existed only in combination with Akanishi, so in the end, I stayed away from the two of them altogether.

We did not get closer again until 2005, when the musical Hey! Say! Dream Boy was announced as a collaboration of NEWS and KAT-TUN. Akanishi was still the closest person to Kazuya, I could tell, but Akanishi had since whenever declared my bandmate Yamashita Tomohisa as his best friend, and hung around him more during our work than he did with Kazuya. Don’t understand me wrong, I’m not saying this with any bitterness – I liked Yamashita, still do. He was just the kind of person no one could dislike. But I did not understand what he saw in Akanishi. I never understood what anyone ever saw in Akanishi.

Anyways, the whole situation resulted in me suddenly spending time with Kazuya again. I don’t know how exactly it happened, but it was just easy to talk to him, somehow. Like I said before, we just clicked. He had grown older now – older and more mature, overly-ambitious when it came to his work – but from his smile there still radiated the same warmness as when I had met him.

Our new-found friendship turned out short-lived, though. In the middle of the musical, I got diagnosed with pulmonary pneumothorax, a sickness that had caused me three holes in my left lung. I was hospitalized and had to undergo an urgent surgery, which ensured me complete rehabilitation, but disabled me for two whole months.

At the beginning, Kazuya had still visited me in the hospital. He had been the only KAT-TUN member who had actually shown any worry about me, though he ensured me that everyone had been shocked at the news of my condition. His attention ebbed off, though, with his increasing workload and my advanced recovery.

It was in July of the same year, that the complete break came with my suspension. I had been caught drinking in public underage, and was pulled from both Kanjani8 and NEWS, forcibly disappearing from the business for a few years. It had been the worst mistake of my life, and had thrown me into a deep hole of depression and self-doubts.

Kazuya had disappeared from my life completely, during that time.

With the help of my friends, above all Nishikido Ryo, who I had grown incredibly close to, I had been able to pull out of this phase, though. I fought my way back into the scene. Slowly, I received roles for musicals and dramas again. I had made my career unbelievably difficult, with that slip I had had with the age of 19, but I was set on not giving up. I loved this job, and I wanted to make my way.

I only met Kazuya again at the end of 2009, when it was announced that we would co-star in the same drama, Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge. He had now completely grown up from his teenage phase, becoming one of the most stunning and beautiful men I had ever seen, exactly suiting the role he had been given in the drama.

 _I can see the weight there in your eyes_  
  
He was also more enclosed than he had been back in 2005, more distant, very professional. I did not let it scare me off, though – I just talked to him the way I had back then, for some reason, very glad that I finally got to work with him again. Kazuya had always drawn me to him, somehow. I could not quite explain it.

_I can feel the thorn in your side_

I could tell, that Kazuya was reluctant, to let his guards down again, at first, though I could not quite comprehend it, at that time. I don’t know what exactly I did, but somehow, I was able to force my way into his life again, making him invite me over to his place for dinner or to spontaneous visits to his family. I had always been like this, Ryo had once told me, “annoying the people continuously until they surrendered and agreed to be my friend”. Maybe it had been the same with Kazuya – I just talked and talked to him over and over again until at some point, he had no choice but engaging in my conversations.

Still, I felt like I had been handed a precious treasure, with his growing affection. I could tell, that Kazuya did not open up to everyone these days. Something had happened to make him close up and become careful, but I could not quite tell what it was, and I was not quite sure I should tear open wounds by asking.

The only thing that I noticed was that Akanishi Jin did not once turn up in our conversations. I had heard, of course, that they had been rocky for years now – news like that traveled fast, in an agency like ours, where everyone knew everyone – but it was not like I exactly minded. If anything, Akanishi had grown more ignorant than ever over the years, and while I was friendly with many people, I did certainly not need someone like him in my life. And maybe, Kazuya had come to realize this, too.

I found out that I was wrong, though, when it was announced that Akanishi would leave for America, for a series of solo concerts. It did not exactly surprise me – there had been a lot of talk about Warner Music officials having set an eye on him – but I immediately noticed that Kazuya was especially tense this very day at the drama shooting.

It shocked me a little, how much I was affected by his mood. I found myself observing the distant expression on his face more than once, wondering where he was with his thoughts, because they were surely not here with us.

I found myself asking him over and over again if he was alright, but all I got as an answer was that he was feeling tired. While that was certainly a believable excuse for him, seeing that he was the greatest workaholic I had ever encountered, I did still not buy it. So after work, I invited him over to my house for dinner. Though I was surely not as great a cook as he was, I insisted that I had to repay him for the countless times he had treated me to food in the last few weeks, and in the end, he surrendered, if only unwillingly, and followed me along.

I fixed some food for us rather quickly before sitting down with him in the living room, trying to engage him in some comfortable chatter. He did not quite cooperate, though, only picking on his plate, giving short one-sentence answers.

It was not until I asked straight out: “Did it shock you so much, that Akanishi goes solo for a while?” that I hit the nail on the head. I noticed Kazuya freeze, and he stopped breathing for a moment.

_Your knuckles are bruised from a losing fight_

“No, not really” he murmured weakly, putting his plate back onto my couch table, not even half finished. “There has been talk for a while, right?”

“Did he not talk to you?” I asked, frowning.

“No” he breathed, barely audible. “He never does these days.”

I stared at Kazuya’s face, finding something that I had never seen on him before – pain. There was pure suffering in his eyes the moment Akanishi was mentioned. It felt like a hand on my heart, squeezing down painfully.

“I’d better go” Kazuya said, after a moment of silence, standing up. “Thanks for inviting me. I-“

“Wait, Kazuya” I interrupted him, standing, too. “What happened between you and Akanishi?”

I saw his hand clenching into a fist. His jaw clenched as well, as he answered: “Nothing special. We just grew apart, that’s all.”

_One way down a dead end street_

I mustered his face for another moment, before sputtering out: “You’re lying.” I had not even meant to say it – sometimes I just spoke things out without thinking, and only realized it a second too late, but it seemed to hit Kazuya in a sensitive point.

I saw his lip quivering, before he whispered: “I really need to go.”

I reached out to him before he could turn away from me, my fingers closing around his wrist.

_Shaking your head, like it’s all wrong_

“You can tell me, you know” I said gently. “If there’s anything that bothers you, you can tell me. I’ll listen. We’re friends, right?”

I don’t know if I had been the first person in a while who had been so seriously concerned about him, or if I had just caught him in a weak moment, but at my words, some wall he had built around him seemed to crumble.

_Broken glass underneath your feet_

The moment I saw the tears glistening in his eyes, my instincts took over. I pulled him into me, stroking his back as his tears spilled over.

It was then, that he confessed everything to me. Everything he had kept inside of him for so long, without anyone noticing. And I wondered, seriously, how I had been so blind to not see it.

“I’m in love with Jin” he whispered, his voice sounding mortified at his own words. “Have been since we were teenagers. No matter how many times I tell myself that it’s impossible, I just… I can’t forget him. Why am I being like this?!”

_You think the day won’t break the sunless night_

He told me that he had always felt something special towards Jin, from the moment they met. He had been too young to put a finger on what it was, though. It was only later, when they got older and Jin already began to drift away from him slightly, that he realized exactly what his feelings meant.

It had thrown him. He had not been able to deal with it – we all knew, in a business like ours, that being gay came as anything but convenient. Even more if your feelings were directed towards a band mate, who had, for all you could tell, never wasted a thought about you in _that_ way.

Their friendship became increasingly awkward, with Kazuya admitting his feelings to himself, and when Jin left for a half a year of studying abroad back in 2006 and came back in 2007 totally changed, they had not managed to get along at all anymore.

Since then, they had working side by side daily without ever looking at each other twice, displaying some kind of cold professionalism when in reality, Kazuya had been carrying those feelings with him all the time.

I could tell, that I was the only person Kazuya had ever told about this. I watched him break down in front of me, and those pictures awakened in me a wholly new feeling, a sensation that had yet been unknown to me – a sense of protectiveness.

I decided I wanted to protect Kazuya. To help him pull out of this hole he was in. No matter how long it took.

So I held him while he cried, trying to tell him that it would all be okay, and that I would be there for him. I was sure that this was what he had needed all along – someone who told him that it was all okay. Someone who understood him, because it seemed like he never had thought this to be possible.

_Before you’re here, you’re already gone_

After Kazuya had confessed all of his feelings to me, our friendship became even closer. It felt like, once he had allowed me a place in his heart, he was not going to let go of me again. It made me feel proud, like I had achieved something huge.

Even after the filming of Yamanade had ended, we stayed this close. We met up regularly, if only to hang out, watch TV and talk. Even though Kazuya had this crazy working schedule, he always managed to make time for me, and it meant a lot to me.

I found myself starting to enjoy my time with Kazuya _too_ much. Wanting to have him around more often than I already had, thinking about him when he was not around… It was starting to scare me, to be honest.

But I tried to tell myself that it was normal for me, to be over-affectionate. What had Ryo once said? If I decided to like someone, I did it so passionately that I almost scared them away again. And after all, Kazuya had suffered for so long that he deserved a little more love, so it was probably alright. Nothing to worry about.

That was until July 2010, when the news came that Akanishi would leave KAT-TUN for good. I heard it in the morning news, on my way to work, and almost missed a red light in my trance.

I wrote Kazuya a message, just asking him if he was okay. I got no answer from him the whole day. It was worrying me. I tried to call him a few times, but he never answered.

Then, suddenly, my doorbell rang at 11pm, just when I had decided to call it a day and go to bed. When I opened the door, Kazuya stood in front of it.

“Hey” I said quietly, mustering him. “I tried to call you.”

“I know” he answered, his voice rough.

There was a short silence, before I asked hesitantly: “Are you alright?”

It was that moment that Kazuya broke. Before I knew it, he had pulled his arms around my neck and was crying into my chest.

I felt helpless. It hurt so much, to see Kazuya hurting like this. Like his pain was becoming my own. All I could do was put my arms around him and hold him while he cried.

It was that night that I had to admit to myself that I had grown feelings for Kazuya. Feelings beyond friendship. Which I knew was a disaster, because no matter how much time had passed, Kazuya had never forgotten about Akanishi.

He still loved him. And there was nothing I could do to change that.

_And even with the light all around you, you’re all alone in the dark_

After Akanishi had left, Kazuya did not mention him again. I tried not to mention him, either, hoping, against logic, that Kazuya would just forget him as time passed.

I decided, despite my feelings, to not make a move on him, though. Kazuya was important to me, and I was his only confident. He needed me, and if I told him about feelings he could not return right now, it would hurt him even more, and that was the last thing I wanted. So I kept everything for myself, and was just at his side, there in case he would break down again.

And Kazuya actually seemed to get better again. He took more time for himself. He went on holidays. He laughed again, real laughs, not those fake “wanna be”s he used to have. And I convinced myself that, maybe, a little of that was owned to me.

That was until February 2012, when the sudden news leaked that Akanishi had eloped with Kuroki Meisa, and she was pregnant.

I could have set my clock to it – as soon as Kazuya’s work had ended, he stood in front of my door again.

I did not ask any unnecessary questions; I just pulled him into me, letting him cry in my arms. Because what else was there that I could do?

“I don’t even know why it still hurts like this, after all this time” Kazuya murmured after a while, his face nuzzled into my neck. “I’ve not talked to him for 2 years. After all he did to me… I should be over him.”

_You’re breaking your own heart, taking it too far down the lonely road_

I did not answer. All I did was run my fingers through his hair, tightening my other arm around him, pulling him further into me.

“He’s not worth it, Kazuya” was all I could say, minutes later. “He’s never been, you know. You are too good for him. It’s not right that you suffer like this because of an asshole like him. Because that’s what he is – an asshole. He never cared for you, or anyone but himself. I pity his wife, because I would bet everything that this marriage won’t last long. Please… just let go. You deserve better.”

“I know” Kazuya whispered. “I know… You don’t know how much I want to. I really do… But I just can’t.”

 _I’ve been stuck in a storm before_  
Felt the wind raging at my door  
Couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t find a way out

I knew that this would be his answer. Of course I knew. But still, it hurt. I tried to gulp it down as I continued to hold him, until he stopped shaking from his tears and became very still. I barely dared to move, but when I turned to look at his face, I realized that he had fallen asleep.

For a moment, I considered waking him up, but then I figured that he could use the sleep. Plus, I could not help myself but indulge in the warmth of his embrace if only for one night. So I pulled a blanket over him carefully and rested my own head against the backrest of the couch, closing my eyes.

When I woke up the next morning, Kazuya was gone. All I found was a note on my couch table.

_Dear Hiroki,_

_Thank you for last night. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you to rely on._

_You are right; Jin is not worth all my pain. I will try my best to forget about him from now on, I promise. I know it will not work from one day to another, but until it does, please stay by my side._

_I will call you tonight._

_Kazuya_

A little smile spread over my face as I read his words. It meant that at least, maybe, I had managed to move something in his life.

And if he could forget him one day, then maybe, at one point, I could dare to confess my feelings to him, too.

In the months afterwards, Kazuya kept his promise of trying to forget about Akanishi. He never mentioned him again. One day, he stood in front of my door with a whole box of things that reminded him of Jin, asking me to keep them for him.

“I cannot bear to throw them away completely” he explained with a sigh. “There are also some things that are precious memories of certain events… I hope that one day, I can look at them without remembering Jin all the time. Until then, can you keep them for me?”

I smiled, instantly agreeing. I had sworn to myself to help him get over him, and I would stick to that promise.

Nevertheless, Kazuya trying to forget Jin also had its bad sides. He started to date again. He randomly hooked up with guys he didn’t even know. One night, he told me about it.

“I try, Hiroki, I really try” he whispered. “But every time I wake up next to some stranger, I feel lonelier than ever. I can’t feel anything for them.”

“Well, they are strangers” I murmured, trying to gulp down the rumbling of jealousy and hurt in my stomach. “How can you feel anything after one night stands, Kazuya? I don’t think this is the right way. Sex without feelings won’t heal your loneliness.” There was a moment of silence, before I added, very quietly: “And if you’re lonely, you can always come to me.”

Kazuya did not answer, but after a while, he whispered: “You remember that night, after the news of Jin’s marriage?”

I nodded, frowning.

“When I slept in your arms… I just felt so safe” he continued quietly, his eyes staring straight ahead, not looking at me. “I just… I figured that I needed someone new in my life. Someone who could help me forget about Jin. Someone who could love me back. That’s why I’ve been trying…”

Those words hit me like a slap in the face. Before I knew it, I whispered: “What the heck, Kazuya?!”

He blinked, looking up at me. “Huh?” he asked incoherently.

“If it’s me who makes you feel safe, why do you go to other guys?!” I demanded, my voice rising as all the pain I had kept in for the last few years broke free. “Why can’t I be enough?!”

Kazuya just stared at me, speechless. I could not stay still anymore, getting up to pace through the room. But Kazuya reached out for my hand.

“Hiroki” he whispered. “What-?”

“I love you” I said finally, knowing exactly that I would regret this later. But it was enough. I could not hold it in any longer. “I’ve loved you all these years, Kazuya. But I knew that you loved Akanishi, so I never said anything… But now… If you sleep with random guys to forget about him, why can’t it be me?!”

Kazuya only stared at me, eyes wide, face pale. There was not even a reaction. I could not stand it.

I tore my hand away from his grip, turning my back to him.

“Go. I can’t look at you right now.”

All that came from Kazuya was a weak “H-Hiroki…”

“Go!” I called, turning around again to push him towards the door. The last expression I saw on his face before I slammed the door into his face was one of poor confusion.

I knew that in this moment, I might have as well destroyed our whole friendship. But still, I could not bring myself to regret it, because right now, I just felt so betrayed.

It hurt so much that all I could do was make it back to the couch before my tears broke free.

_You say you just want love, but when it’s close enough, you just let it go_

I had not even managed to move from the couch when there was a knock on the door shortly after midnight. Of course, I knew who it would be. For a moment, I considered just ignoring him, but then I figured that I could not run away from this.

What was done was done, and now I had to deal with the situation. Even if that meant I had to give up on Kazuya completely.

_The very thing you’ve been the most afraid of, you’ve been doing from the start: Breaking your own heart._

So I tried to dry my tears, even though I knew that it would not do much good, and made my way over to the door. When I opened it, Kazuya stood in front of me, his eyes also full of tears.

“I’m sorry” he said, before I could even say anything. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice. There I went, all the time focusing on my own feelings, not even once realizing… I’m not much better than Jin. I’m so sorry.”

I tried to find something to say, but Kazuya continued, not letting me answer.

“I never wanted to hurt you” he continued, and another tear rolled down his cheeks. I wanted to reach out to wipe it away. “You are the most important person in my life, Hiroki. You are the only one I can trust completely. You’ve done so much for me… I’m so sorry.”

“Me too” I finally brought out, closing my eyes to stop further tears from spilling. “I never wanted to tell you. I wanted to keep it to myself, but it just… It was all too much.”

“I can’t lose you, Hiroki” Kazuya murmured suddenly, making me open my eyes. “I just can’t. I need you. Please don’t pull away from me.”

I was not quite sure what to answer, but before I could even open my mouth, Kazuya had crossed the distance between us and pulled me down into a kiss.

His lips were desperate as they moved against mine. For a moment, I thought that this was wrong, that he was only feeling sorry for me, but when his tongue licked over my lips, I blanked and opened my mouth, allowing him access.

Even though I knew that this would not amount to anything, it still felt amazing. I knotted my hand in his hair, my tongue fighting his, just wanting to forget, for this one night, that he really loved Akanishi, and not me.

For tonight, I wanted to pretend that I was the number one in his heart.

So I did not resist, when Kazuya led us to my bedroom, or when he started to remove my clothes. I only closed my eyes, and felt the way his fingers traveled over my skin. How his mouth and his tongue left wet traces all over my body.

I shivered when Kazuya crawled up my body again to whisper into my ear: “Sleep with me, Hiroki. Make me unable to think about anything but you. Please…”

I only moaned helplessly as he nibbled on my earlobe before pulling him into me again, claiming his lips.

From that moment on everything blurred into each other: The feeling of Kazuya’s skin on mine, his lust filled whimpers, the way his hips bucked when I touched him for the first time… It was all so intense, and all so much. It was easy to forget that he did not really love me.

So I searched for his hand, entwining our fingers as I entered him. Kazuya moaned my name, and it felt so amazing to be connected with him like this that my brain just stopped working. I did not think anymore. All I focused on was feeling everything I could.

My memories of that night are blurry; but what I remember exactly was waking up the next morning. I half expected him to be gone when I opened my eyes, but instead, he was still in my arms, his head leaned against my shoulder, watching my face.

“Morning” he whispered, stroking over my cheek with a look on his face that I found very hard to read, even though I had grown to know him so well in the last few years.

“Morning” I murmured, somehow finding it hard to look right into his eyes, so I fixed a birth mark on his shoulder.

Kazuya’s naked skin against mine felt warm and amazing. I just wanted to close my eyes again and leave the serious talk for later. If at all.

But this was not what he had in mind, obviously, because after a short pause, he whispered: “Hiroki, about last night…”

“Please don’t tell me right now that I was just another one night stand” I breathed, closing my eyes once more, just so that he would not see every emotion in them. “You are destroying my moment.”

Kazuya sighed, before murmuring: “Don’t say it like that. It makes me sound so cruel.”

There was another moment of silence, before I asked, barely audible: “Is it really that impossible, to imagine being with me?”

“No” Kazuya murmured, a slight longing in his voice that I could not quite decipher. “Not at all. You’re the only one besides Jin I could ever imagine myself being with. Sometimes, I even wish that I had met you before him. Maybe everything would have gone differently then…”

“You would have met him later and he would have separated us, knowing him” I groaned, opening my eyes again to stare at the ceiling.

“You are the most important person to me, Hiroki” Kazuya continued, but I did not turn again to look at his face. “And if I said that I feel nothing for you that would be a lie. But if I said that I’ve forgotten Jin and moved on, it would be an even bigger one.”

_Too many tears, too many falls. It’s easier here, behind these walls._

“What if I said that I don’t care?” I whispered, noticing Kazuya’s body freezing next to me.

“What do you mean?” he asked quietly.

“Just theoretically” I continued. “What if I told you that I don’t care that you still love Akanishi? That it would be okay for me, to be your number 2, just as long as you’re with me?”

“You can’t be serious” Kazuya breathed, obviously alarmed.

“What if I am?”

Kazuya stayed silent. I could feel his eyes on my face, but I did not turn to look at him. It was only when his shaky fingers found my chin that he managed to make my eyes meet his.

His eyes were full of feelings that were hard for me to digest.

“I don’t want to hurt you like this, Hiroki” he whispered, his voice shaking a little.

“It would hurt me even more to stay away from you” I argued. “Or to continue being your friend while having these feelings locked inside. You should know by first-hand experience that this is the cruelest kind of love.” Kazuya gulped. “Isn’t there any kind of chance, that you could love me?”

“Of course there is” he answered immediately. “I know exactly that you would make me happy. Much happier than I’ve ever been. But it would be more than I deserve. _You’_ d be more than I deserve, Hiroki.”

“Isn’t that for me to decide?” I challenged.

Kazuya was about to protest, but before he could, I had drawn him towards me and caught his lips with mine.

The kiss was sweeter than the ones the night before – gentle and without the desperate passion. But what was the most important was that Kazuya kissed me back.

_But you don’t have to walk in the shadows, where life is so hard._

When we broke apart again, we locked eyes, and I whispered: “I don’t care that you still love Akanishi. I don’t care that you love him more than me. I can deal with that, as long as you’re with me.”

His grip around me tightened.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes” I nodded. “But I have one condition.”

“Anything” Kazuya breathed.

“Don’t betray me” I murmured, my voice rough. “Stay honest with me. When this between us doesn’t work, tell me right away. Never lie to me.”

Kazuya gulped again, before nodding, saying: “Okay. Deal.”

I smiled at him, a slight flash of euphoria at my victory running through me. I saw the look in Kazuya’s eyes soften before he leaned up to kiss me again.

From that moment on, my relationship with Kazuya began. It was not like I was running into this whole thing blindfolded – I knew very well that this love story would be nothing like a fairy tale – but there turned out to be someone who was even more worried about it than me.

Nishikido Ryo had been my best friend ever since we had been thrown together as Juniors. We had been in 2 bands together, and he had stayed at my side even after I had been thrown out of them, had helped me back to my feet, and even had appeared in my first drama after my come back.

He had been my biggest support throughout the years. So it was obvious for me, that I would tell him about this huge new development in my life.

I was aware that he would not jump to congratulate me, seeing all the circumstances. So I was hesitant, when one night that he had invited me to his place for a beer after work, I finally brought the topic onto Kazuya.

“I am in a relationship” I said out of nothing, after I had gulped down the rest of my beer, as if in encouragement.

Ryo choked on the gulp he had just taken. I watched him trying to regain his breathing before his eyes turned to me.

“Huh?!” was all he said, eyes huge.

“I am in a relationship” I repeated, and for good measurement, because I did want to him to get the right image right from the start, added: “With a guy.”

Ryo blinked, staring. Then he brought out: “Well, those are news.”

“It‘s getting better” I sighed, quirking an eyebrow at him. “You wanna hear the whole story?”

Ryo poured down the rest of his beer before turning in his seat to be able to face me better.

“Okay” he nodded. “Give it to me.”

And then I told him everything: About Kazuya, and the way he had always hung after Akanishi. How I had fallen for him anyways, but had kept it for myself all these years. And how I had burst out with it now, and had offered Kazuya this weird twisted kind of relationship, even though I knew that he didn’t love me the way I loved him.

I watched Ryo’s face while I told my story – his expression did not change much during it, but I noticed him becoming paler and paler each minute. As I had ended, he only continued staring at me, not moving an inch.

“Ryo?” I asked hesitantly, after a while. “Please say something.”

Ryo blinked, before finally blurting out: “Have you gone nuts?!”

I frowned at him, thinking. “Elaborate your question.” I said.

“Hiroki” Ryo said, inching closer to me over the couch. “You know I always liked Kamenashi. But what he’s doing there with you… I really hope for him that I won’t meet him at work in the next few days, because I might need to punch him!”

“It’s not his fault!” I said quickly. “I offered this relationship, didn’t I?!”

“But he took the offer!” Ryo called, obviously infuriated. “And seriously, if you really meant anything to him, he would never hurt you like that!”

“He said he did not want to hurt me” I murmured. “But I told him I could take it.”

“You!” Ryo groaned. “You’ve always been like that – you let people take and take from you, and never ask anything in return! It’s so easy, to play you!”

“Kazuya would never play me!” I hissed.

“But if he really cared for you, he would have refused!” Ryo snapped. “He would know that you deserve more than this!”

“Whatever, it’s my decision” I had groaned, slightly annoyed. “If I want to put myself through that, I can, on my own responsibility. It’s my feelings, and my life. You can’t stop me.”

Ryo had tried to convince me further, but I had blocked everything he had said, too stubborn to let him influence me. I knew that he had just been worried, but I had not wanted to hear anything in this moment.

What happened afterwards, I only know out of Kazuya’s relations. He had not dared to tell me about it for years, afraid of me fighting with Ryo when he did.

But apparently, only days after our talk, Ryo had actually met Kazuya at work. KAT-TUN had just finished up and Kazuya had been about to leave, when Ryo had suddenly turned up behind him, demanding a word with him.

Kazuya said he had known instantly that something was wrong. He had never seen Ryo’s face as tense as in that moment.

Ryo had led him into an empty conference room and locked the door behind them. Then, he had confronted Kazuya.

“You know, actually, I always liked you” Ryo had said, staring him down dangerously. “But I would have never thought that you could be this cold.”

Kazuya had not understood what he was talking about, at first, until Ryo had added: “Hiroki told me everything about you and him. How can you do this to him?!”

Kazuya had told me that everything had come crashing down on him in this moment. All the guilty feelings he had had towards me, all the doubts, all the hateful thoughts towards himself… He could do nothing but take everything that Ryo had had to say.

“Hiroki is one of the most loving person’s I ever met” Ryo had continued. “He has been through so much shit in his life, but still, he never let others pity him for long. I’m one of the only person’s he’s ever shown any weaknesses to. Instead, he’s always there for everyone he loves, never expecting anything in return… A guy like him deserves someone who can give him his whole heart in return. Not only half.”

“I know” Kazuya had said, Ryo’s words hitting him right where it hurt. “I know that…”

“Then why are you doing this to him?!” Ryo had demanded. “You can’t love him the way he deserves! So why did you still agree to start this relationship with him?!”

“What shall I do?!” Kazuya had tried to defend himself. “Will he be happier if I turn him down?! He said he doesn’t want to lose me, and I don’t want to lose him, either! He’s too important to me for that!”

“If he was really that important to you, you could never do this to him!” Ryo had yelled. “You’re just protecting yourself with all of this, and not him! You’re only being egoistic!”

Kazuya had not been able to return anything to that, because deep inside, he had felt that Ryo was right. Ryo had grabbed him, concluding: “I will never accept you as his boyfriend! If Hiroki really means anything to you, set him free!”

With that, he had left, and Kazuya had broken down. It was his band mate Tanaka Koki, who had found him in this condition. Koki had always been someone who had cared a lot for Kazuya, but Kazuya had never confided much into him, strict about his principles of keeping his problems away from work, and since Koki and Akanishi had both been part of KAT-TUN, he had never wanted to mention anything.

But in this moment, everything had just broken out of him, and he had told Koki everything: About his feelings for Akanishi, and me, and everything Ryo had just told him.

Koki had at first been totally overstrained with Kazuya’s strain of confessions, at first only bringing out questions like: “You liked Akanishi?! Why did you never tell us?! Why did we never notice?!” to “Wait, Uchi is gay, too?!” to “Wow, I never knew Nishikido could be that scary. He resembles Ueda. Maybe that’s why they don’t get along.”

In the end, though, he had asked the one question that had really helped Kazuya pull himself together.

“Well, what do you feel for Uchi?”

Kazuya had frozen, thinking about it.

“I don’t know” Kazuya had murmured. “He is something like my lifeline. Whenever I’m in some kind of hole, he will definitely pull me out again. I don’t know what I would do without him. He is… he is almost _too good_ to be true. Which is exactly why I feel like such a big ass now that I found out that I’m hurting him… I just… I wanted to fix it, somehow, but whatever I do, I’m making it worse. Nishikido is right. I’m nothing but egoistic. Maybe I should really end this…” Kazuya had concluded.

“You’re not egoistic” Koki had said, trying to lift his mood. “You don’t even know how to.”

“Don’t make me laugh” Kazuya had said. “I’ve been nothing but egoistic when it comes to Hiroki. All I’ve ever done was bothering him with my problems, never once realizing that he was suffering, too. But still, he doesn’t even blame me, like normal people would do. Instead, he still thinks I’m worthy of his feelings… When obviously, I’m not. He’s just… He’s such a good person, you know? Too good to be true, actually. And that I’m hurting someone like him… It makes me hate myself.”

“Are you sure that you don’t love him?!” Koki had frowned, looking at him. “Because the way you’re talking about him… It’s like he is some kind of angel or something. It feels like you’re talking about someone you love.”

This, in the end, had helped Kazuya in the decision to continue our complicated relationship. He knew that he still had feelings for Akanishi, but he still consciously decided that he would treasure whatever feelings he had for me, and treat me the best he could in our relationship.

Though I had had no idea, at that time, what had brought this change of heart along, I had noticed it in his behavior – the way he would suddenly write to me, in the middle of the day, asking me what I was doing. How he would suddenly stand in front of my door with ingredients for pasta, cooking for me and staying over. How he actually made an effort, to voice appreciations for me, just to make me feel loved, like “I can only really relax when I’m with you” or “I love your laugh”.

Though he never spoke the words “I love you”. It hurt, when thought about it, so I tried not to, being happy with what I got.

And it was not like I could not tell what I meant to him. If nothing, one event about half a year after we had started our relationship had made it clear.

I had had a featured concert with Question?, and in a sudden slip of clumsiness, I had managed to stumble and fall down the 2 meters high stage.

Nothing much had happened, besides me breaking a bone in my wrist as I had instinctively tried to catch my fall. I had tried to end the concert despite the pain, but afterwards, the band had rushed me to the hospital.

During the examinations, I had asked Ishigaki Daisuke, our keyboarder, if he could call Kazuya, and tell him that I would not be able to make it over to his apartment tonight like I had promised, since I could hardly get out my cell phone in the middle of the hospital to call myself. Daisuke had often been part of KAT-TUN’s background band with FiVe, so he knew Kazuya quite well. I had not thought that there would be any problems, if he called.

Which was why I was more than surprised, when Daisuke came back into the hospital room, telling me in slight shock: “He hung up on me!”

“What?” I had frowned, and Daisuke had explained: “Well, I just told him that you had fallen off stage and that we brought you to the hospital, and just when I wanted to continue, he had already hung up!”

Twenty minutes later, Kazuya appeared at the door of my room, out of breath and completely frantic.

“Where is he?!” he had called to Daisuke as soon as he had spotted him, somehow managing to miss me sitting in the bed only at the other side of the room. “Is he alright?! Will he-?!”

“Kazuya?” I said loudly, making him freeze. He turned around slowly, staring at me like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Hiroki?!” he breathed, stunned.

“I’m fine” I said finally, holding up my bandaged hand. “Just a broken wrist.”

“If you had not just hung up, I would have told you” Daisuke murmured.

Kazuya only stared at me for another moment before leaning against the next best wall, letting out a breath bigger than he was.

“Don’t do something like this to me” he whispered, his voice barely audible. “Seriously. In my mind there were at least a dozen scenarios of what could have happened… I…”

“Calm down, will you?!” I chuckled, but Kazuya had looked so close to just breaking down that I waved him towards me. “You’re worrying too much!”

But Kazuya did not answer anything more – instead he bend down to hug me so tight that it felt hard to breathe. I noticed him shaking, and it lured me to hug him back and kiss his temple, even in front of the rest of Question?, who was too embarrassed to look at us.

Back at home, Kazuya held me the whole night and confessed to me that in the moment Daisuke had called him, everything had come breaking down on him. The thought of losing me had been so unbearable to him that he had just stopped thinking, and listening to Daisuke to rush to me.

“Seriously, you can’t do something like this to me” he repeated, nuzzled up with me on his couch, my back against his chest, his arms closed around my waist. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. Watch out for yourself, please.”

I had just grinned and closed my eyes, thinking that, even if he did not say it out loud, he had to love me at least a little.

 _Somehow my clouds disappeared_  
Somehow I made it here  
Maybe just so you could hear me say

_The sun will rise_

After that, our bond to each other grew even more. I almost forgot sometimes, that he still loved Akanishi, because in our daily life, he did not play any role anymore.

It was after we had been together for a little more than a year that the problem Akanishi came crushing down on me again, in the form of Akanishi himself.

When the news of Akanishi Jin and Kuroki Meisa’s marriage had leaked, I would have put a huge amount of money into a bet that it would end in divorce. It turned out that I was not that wrong, in the end.

After Akanishi’s suspension from Johnny’s Entertainment, he had fallen into a huge hole. Having lost his successful career, he had searched comfort in alcohol. Meisa had bared with it, but after the birth of their daughter, her patience with him had reached its limits and she had thrown him out.

Akanishi went to search comfort from his former friends, to whom he had lost contact after his marriage, above all Yamashita Tomohisa. Yamashita had always been one of those persons who had found it hard to say no to people in need, or to hold grudges, so in the end, he allowed him refugee.

I had heard this side of the story entirely from him only after the events. It seemed like, even after Meisa’s drastic step, Akanishi had clung to the alcohol, and one drunken night, he asked Yamashita: “Why did my life turn out like this, in the end? Why am I alone now, with nothing?”

“Well, you never took particularly good care of the people close to you, or your career or anything” Was all Yamashita said in response. When Akanishi looked at him all confused, he elaborated: “Well, you always did what you wanted, never caring much for rules or the feelings of the persons close to you. Take Kame, for example – you were such close friends at some point, but you kept on kicking him and ignoring him until there was nothing of your friendship left. I don’t know why you’re doing things like that.”

“Kame was always complicated” Akanishi murmured with a groan. “Too complicated for me to understand.”

“Yeah, that’s because you have the emotional range of an ice block” Yamashita rolled his eyes. “Kame would have done everything for you, at some point.”

“Well, he never showed me that” Akanishi frowned.

“No, you just never paid attention” Yamashita snapped. “Even I could see that he was madly in love with you, you moron!”

Akanishi did not say anything for a long time, and Yamashita had started to ignore him, thinking the conversation was over and he was too drunk to realize the weight of his words, anyways, when Akanishi finally asked: “Are you serious?”

“Yes” Yamashita blinked, surprised about the response. “I mean, he never told me, but if you really looked closely, you could notice. I worked side by side with him during Nobuta, and it was just so obvious…”

“Then why did he never tell me?” Akanishi murmured.

“How would he have told you?!” Yamashita scoffed.

“If he had told me, maybe things would have gone differently” Akanishi continued, without listening to Yamashita. “I would have stayed in KAT-TUN. All of this would have never happened.”

“Don’t start blaming him now” Yamashita groaned. “It was entirely your own fault. Plus, you were not even gay, so what… Jin?!”

As Yamashita turned around again, Akanishi had already disappeared. He just heard the door close behind him.

I had been with Kazuya when his doorbell had rung in the middle of the night. We had already been half-asleep, snuggled up into bed, and I had groaned at the loud sound, tightening my arms around his waist.

“Who the heck?!” I murmured, and Kazuya chuckled at my tone, freeing himself from my grip.

“Maybe it’s just the old lady next door thinking she lost her keys again or something…” he whispered softly. “I’ll be right back.”

With that, he got up and grabbed his bathrobe, fastening it around his hips before leaving the bedroom.

I closed my eyes, and waited. I heard footsteps, and the door opening, before Kame’s high pitched voice called: “JIN?!”

That had me awake in one second. I needed a moment, before I could make my bones move, standing up from the bed and crossing the room.

I opened the door and stepped into the corridor, feeling like my heart was pierced by a knife at the sight I encountered: Akanishi had grabbed Kazuya and was kissing him, and by all I could tell from my angle, Kazuya was not resisting.

It was what I had always feared, even though it had seemed impossible. Akanishi had always been far away, not interested in Kazuya, so even if Kazuya had loved him, he had still not been any real danger to me. But now, he was here, for real, kissing him.

In my shock, I took a step backwards, bumping against the cupboard behind me. That seemed to wake Kazuya from his trance, making him push Akanishi away to turn to me, looking at me with wide eyes.

“Hiroki” he whispered, panicked. “This is not… I…”

I gulped, trying, despite the turmoil inside of me, to smile.

I had known that this could happen. I had been aware of the risk, and still had taken the chance. I could not blame Kazuya – he had always been open with me. He loved Akanishi, and if Akanishi for some reason now returned his feelings…

… That meant I had to step back.

_And though you can’t see it’s  
So hard to believe it_

“Well, that’s great, isn’t it, Kazuya?” I breathed, not having any strength to speak loudly. “That’s what you always wanted. Congrats.”

“N-no” Kazuya stuttered, apparently totally overstrained with the situation. “I-“

“Don’t worry about me” I said finally, turning my back to him to pick up my coat and my things. I was glad, for once, that I slept in jogging pants and T-Shirt, and not naked like him. It would have made leaving so much more difficult if I had to still dress.

“Hiroki!” he whispered frantically, taking a few steps towards me, but as he reached out to touch me, I pulled away, making him freeze.

“Don’t” I whispered. “We had a deal, right? I’m only your number 2. I know that very well. So I’ll just… leave.”

“No… no…” Kazuya whispered helplessly. “I did not mean to… I…”

When I passed him, he reached out to me once more, but I shook him off quickly, continuing for the door. Akanishi still stood in the doorway, watching the whole scene in shocked silence. Apparently, he had not counted on someone being with Kazuya when he had turned up.

I could not help myself – even if I wanted to just pass him without a word, when our eyes met, I found all the hate I felt for him bubbling in my stomach, and before I knew it, I had already punched him.

Akanishi tumbled and leaned against the doorframe, staring at me with wide eyes.

“You don’t deserve him” was all I said before rushing out of the door.

I tried to keep myself together the whole way to Ryo’s apartment. It was only when he opened the door that I allowed myself to break down and cry.

Ryo was there for me that night. He always was.

I did not know that, after I had left, Kazuya and Akanishi had not spoken up for a whole 5 minutes. It was Akanishi, who finally said: “I guess I did come to a bad timing, right?”

Kazuya freaked at his words. He grabbed him at the sleeve and yelled at him: “What right did you have to do that?! There you turn up here after all this time just to mess my whole life up again?!”

“I did not mean to” Akanishi stuttered, helpless. “I just… I heard that you had feelings for me, at some point, and-“

“What?!” Kazuya yelled. “And that makes you turn up after, what, 3 years of no contact?!”

“My life is a mess, okay?!” Akanishi confessed, exasperated. “And when you were still in it… It wasn’t. So I thought that maybe…”

“That I could pick up the pieces again?!” Kazuya challenged, shoving him against the doorframe. “I’m not a pet dog you can call whenever you need it!”

“But I thought, maybe, you still had the same feelings” Akanishi shrugged. “So…”

Kazuya let go of him, mustering him.

“I thought so, too” he murmured. “All this time, I thought I still loved you. But now that you’re here… I’m wondering how I could have been so stupid, because seriously, there is _nothing_.” Akanishi gulped, and Kazuya continued: “All this time, I hung after you, thinking that I could never forget you, and hurt Hiroki with that. Hiroki, the one who’s always been there for me, always loved me…” Kazuya took a deep breath, his voice shaking. “And then you suddenly turn up here, kiss me, and let Hiroki see that?! WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO DO THAT?!”

Akanishi’s eyes were on the floor, and Kazuya was barely resisting the urge to punch him, like I had done earlier.

“Do you love him?” Akanishi finally asked, looking up at him. “Uchi, I mean.”

_Sometimes you just need a little faith  
All you need is a little faith_

Kazuya gulped, thinking about the time we had spent together… “Yes” he said finally. “I never thought that I would ever be able to forget you, but with him… I’ve been happy, for the past year I’ve been with him, you know? Really happy. He cares for me, and even though he knew that I was still thinking about you…” Kazuya shook his head, finishing: “He has the best of hearts, and I keep on hurting him.”

“If you really love him” Akanishi spoke up again, raising an eyebrow at him. “Then why are you still here, talking to me, if you could be running after him?”

_It’s not too late, I’m still right here_

Kazuya stared at him, stunned.

“You are right” he breathed.

“Happens, sometimes” Akanishi sighed. “If not that often, I’m afraid…”

“What the heck am I doing?!” Kazuya murmured, barely listening to him. “I… I need to go.”

“Then go” Akanishi nodded. “If you love him, hold onto him, and don’t let him go again.”

Kazuya raised an eyebrow at him.

“Says who? The one who was just thrown out by his wife and is now wasting his night at Yamashita’s house getting drunk?!”

Akanishi frowned, before shrugging, murmuring: “Fair enough.”

“I really have to go now” Kazuya repeated, this time more firm. “If you want to rebuild your life, do it alone.”

Akanishi nodded, seeming more sober, too.

_If only you’d let go of your fear_

Afterwards, Kazuya had gotten dressed, and driven over to my flat. Of course, it was empty, seeing that I had searched refugee with Ryo.

He tried calling me then, but I ignored his calls, not feeling in the condition to speak to him. That did not make Kazuya give up, though – he tried calling again and again, until Ryo groaned: “Seriously, if this damned phone rings one more time, I’m going to throw it out of the window!”

I only stared at Kazuya’s name on the display miserably before it went to voice mail. There were two minutes of silence after that, and I had already thought he had given up, when suddenly, Ryo’s phone rang.

Ryo snapped: “That’s it, I’m giving him a good piece of heart!”

“It’s not his fault, really” I murmured half-heartedly, but I knew there was no stopping Ryo when he was mad. And seriously, even if I tried, I did not have the strength for it.

“Seriously, Kamenashi” Ryo yelled as soon as he had taken the call. “How dare you call here?! You have 5 seconds to explain yourself, or I’ll hang up again. And block your number.”

Kazuya’s voice at the other end of the line was so loud and frantic that I could still hear him throughout the room.

“Is he with you?!” he asked. “Please tell me that he’s with you!”

“If he were, why would I tell you?!” Ryo challenged.

“I need to talk to him” Kazuya pleaded. “Please-“

“No” Ryo said coldly. “You’ve hurt him enough for a life time. No freaking way am I going to let you continue this cruel game.”

“Please, Nishikido” Kazuya continued. “If he’s with you, I-“

“You’ve got Akanishi now, don’t you?!” Ryo groaned. “Go to your loser of a lover and be happy, or whatever it is you’re expecting you’ll be when you are with him…”

“LISTEN TO ME, WILL YOU?!” Kazuya called loudly, making even Ryo freeze visibly. “I don’t want Jin! I don’t even know why I ever thought that I wanted him…”

“Then… what do you want?” Ryo asked, frowning, catching my eyes across the room. I felt numb, his words not really reaching me.

_There’s an answer to your prayer  
And I swear that there’ll come a day, yeah_

_The sun will rise_

“Hiroki” Kazuya answered softly. “I want no one but him. So please… let me talk to him, Nishikido. I need to.”

There was a short silence, in which Ryo just looked at me. Then, he lowered the phone from his ear and crossed the distance to me, pressing it into my hand.

With shaking fingers, I raised the phone to my ear.

“Nishikido?” Kazuya asked desperately. “Are you still there?! Please-“

“It’s me” I spoke finally, my voice cracking.

“Hiroki!” Kazuya breathed, his voice high. “At last, I -… Listen, I don’t even know how to apologize. I’m sorry you had to see that. And I’m even more sorry that I let you think that I would choose him over you.”

“But wasn’t that what you always wanted?” I asked, my voice no louder than a whisper. “Akanishi returning your feelings?”

“I thought so, too” Kazuya admitted. “But when he was kissing me earlier… It just felt so wrong. All I could think about was you, Hiroki.”

“Because you were feeling guilty?” I asked, not daring to hope, just yet.

“No” Kazuya sighed. “Because I think I stopped loving Jin long ago, and gave my heart to someone else, someone who is much more worthy of it.”

I bit my lip, trying to suppress a new wave of tears.

“I love you, Hiroki” he continued. “I love you so much… I’m so sorry I waited so long to tell you this. I’m sorry I let you suffer, thinking that I still loved Jin… But please, give me a chance to make up for it. Please, Hiroki…”

I could not answer – the weight of his words came crashing down on me so hard that all I could do was let out a stifled sob and close my eyes.

“Hiroki?” I heard Kazuya say frantically at the sound of my tears. “Hiroki, please, I’m so sorry… Please, talk to me, okay? I-“

Ryo sighed and took the phone out of my hand again, holding it to his own ear.

“How quickly can you be here?” was all he asked.

It did not even take him 10 minutes until the doorbell rang. Ryo went to open it, and I heard him exchange a few hushed threats with Kazuya, of which I only caught things like “… one more time…” and “… sink you in the Tokyo Bay…”, before he finally appeared in the living room.

He looked out of breath, and pale. When he spotted me on the couch, he crossed the distance to me immediately, throwing his arms around me.

“I’m so sorry” he repeated, kissing me temple. I noticed his hands shaking on my shoulders. “I really am… Please stop crying… I can’t take it…”

But it was all I could do to cling to him and muffle my sobs in the skin of his neck. Kazuya’s grip tightened around me.

I don’t remember much of the rest of the night – I only know that Kazuya brought me home with him, showering me in kisses and touches until I could not think anymore.

He told me over and over again that he loved me as he removed my clothes, kissing down my neck, my collarbone, my chest… I could not help but slipping a few more tears at his affectionate words, though I tried to hide them.

But of course, Kazuya noticed me tremble, and when he leaned up to look at my face, he reached out to wipe the tear drops that had slipped away softly.

“I love you, Hiroki” he repeated, kissing the corner of my closed eyes. “I love you so much…”

“I love you, too” I replied, my fingers knotting in his hair, keeping him close. “You are aware that you never get to leave me again, now that you said that? I’m not going to let you go once more.”

Kazuya smiled, nuzzling his nose against my temple.

“I won’t have it any other way” he murmured. “Thanks for waiting for me that long, even though I did not deserve it.”

“But you do” I breathed.

Instead of saying anything more, Kazuya caught my lips with his, ending our conversation with another series of passionate kisses I lost myself in.

Kazuya did not let go of my hands once as we made love that night, and I felt like, rather than my body, it was my heart that had found completion.

When I woke up the next morning, I almost thought it had been a dream, until Kazuya came in with two cups of steaming coffee and a smile brighter than any morning sun. It almost made me want to cry again, and feel like an emotional loser. So I just grabbed the cup from his hands and took a deep gulp as he snuck back into bed next to me, searching for my free hand, entwining our fingers.

We lay there in comfortable silence until he suddenly asked: “Are you free this Sunday?”

“Yes” I nodded, looking at him with a frown. “Why?”

“I thought it was time that I introduced you to my parents” he shrugged, his eyes focused on the drink in his hand. As if he was talking about the weather rather than making our relationship official.

I smirked, teasing: “Your parents already know me. I was the one crashing your family get-together’s all the time during the filming of Yamanade.”

“I know” Kame chuckled. “I faintly remember someone always pestering me to take him with me.”

“Yeah” I laughed, biting my lip in embarrassment as I looked up at him. “Sorry for annoying you.”

“Don’t be” Kame smiled, squeezing my hand. “It’s been the best thing that could have ever happened to me.”

In this moment, I needed to kiss him, just to not become an emotional blubbering mess again.

 _The sun will rise_  
When you’ve lost your lights  
The sun will rise

It’ll be alright

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment, I am dying to know what you think!
> 
> Originally posted: http://vflmaeuschen.blog.com/2013/01/06/one-shot-breaking-your-own-heart-the-sun-will-rise/


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